Tip of the Mountain

Ever had one of those periods of time in your life when everything's green and rosy and you think life is really great, thank God that He gave you wisdom to be good at what you do and for the life you have and the place He has put you?

But at the back of your head, you are thinking this is really too good to be true, one day, something will crumble (coz that's how life works - God didn't give us a bed of roses coz that'll just make us stupid) and will go wrong. You are waiting and waiting and praying that it will not be a huge wrong, it'll just be a teeny wrong and you'll be able to rectify it in time and things will get back to the normal great life God has granted you.

And then, it happens, and it happens to be something more than you can take.

For me, that is today.

Know what's worse than being reprimanded for something you know you don't deserve? Being reprimanded for something you DO deserve, coz that just makes you think you CAN actually be quite stupid.

In my head, I know it's a mistake I had to make at some point to be better in the future but I didn't know it will make me feel so terrible. It feels as if people can't trust you anymore (forget about the zillions of times you had things right, that doesn't count.. sorry), you can't concentrate on anything until it passes, and it won't pass just like that.

I keep telling myself, I'm going to learn from this and never make the same mistake again. But the repercussions are rather huge to just dismiss this as 'something for me to learn'. And the kind of feeling it creates (I'm a foolish feeler, eventhough I sometimes tell myself to stay focussed on the matter, not how I feel about it) makes it seem as if this is the end of me, my career, and the good impression I've attempted to create so far.

Even if my "reprimand-or" (if there is such a word) says she forgives me, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to "be ok" about it.

One day, I'm going to look back and realize that God allowed this to happen so that I can become wiser (and not stay stupid). And I'm going to thank God for that.

But for now, I've gotta go downhill for a while (coz I've reached the tip of the mountain, and the only way is down), not knowing when the end of 'downhill' will be. While I'm going downhill, I shall just trust in God's strength to pull me through, as He always does.

Now, to get rid of this sickly feeling......

Sufficient Grace

Dearest Lord,

You told me yesterday that Your grace is sufficient for me. Daily, Your grace is sufficient. You do not give me the answers for tomorrow but You give me grace for today because you want me to learn something bigger than this.

Today, things have become worse, and it has become even more frustrating. I don't know what to ask for - whether for help so things are better or for change in myself so that I become stronger.

Everything seems to have failed. Nothing is working; there is no forseeable help from those around me.

I'm so tempted to ask why. Why now, why me?

This is getting so hard to take in, Lord. Please help.

New Year Niceties

It's 15 minutes to the end of the last working day of year 2005 and I two nice things have happened today that I'd like to remember:-

1. Someone told me that I am a good lawyer, that I can do this, properly and perfectly; that if ever I think I am a bad solicitor, it will only be because of my own laziness (to which I agree, the laziness part, I mean);
2. Sweetie personally delivered to me a new year rose! It was both surprising and touching. I'd say 2005 hasn't been such a bad year;
   
3. Closer to my heart, cell was wonderful, cell members were nice in so many ways, we had a great Christmas play, great friends who are fun and encouraging, some great colleagues who have become great friends.
   

Resolutions? I don't believe in them, but if there were any, it would be:-

1. More dicipline to make time for God;
2. Learning to love even when it hurts / it's hard to;
3. Contributing more to family life;
4. Learning the most I can from this job;
5. Finding out more about what I really wanna be, as a lawyer and as a Christian.

I Remember

I remember waking up in the morning under my duvet, unwilling to get out because I know it will be cold and I was really cozy beneath.

I remember having everything within my reach, because my room was small and cozy and I liked it that way.

I remember the walk to the West Entrance, against the icy cold winds of the fall, taking my heavy coat off halfway during the journey because I would be sweating from walking for almost 15 minutes already.

I remember going into warm lecture halls, the feeling of my cheeks getting rosy because I just got in from the cold.

I remember the walk to the Oasis on Sunday mornings; I would have woken up only half an hour ago because the walk to the Oasis is barely 5 minutes. I remember walking into the warm hugs of my english mother and the moments when she would hold me, cold ears, fingers and all, just so that I would feel warm, inside and out.

I remember the shopping trips on Beeston Highstreet, going into secondhand shops, the littlest Dorothy Perkins I've ever seen and the tiny drugstores along the way. I remember the lil' morning market where I could get garlic; 5 bulbs for 50p - the cheapest I could ever find.

I remember going to Sainsbury with Li, resolving only to window shop, but always ending up with two big bags too much for us to carry.

I remember walking through University Park in the spring to find cherry blossoms everywhere - even in places you never notice.

I remember the cookouts with Li, and Sher would observe and talk to us in the kitchen, and Seems will cook her indian specialties, and we would all laugh at each other.

I remember the walk to the Oasis on Fridays to help out with the kitchen, where my english mum would cook up a storm, and eventhough I didn't feel happy, I would....... eventually. I remember not feeling like helping out, and english mum said it was ok.

I remember 44, the gathering of friends, the exchanges, the catching up, watching MTV and doing nothing.

It was a time when friends were as close as we get, when I get to spend all my free time with people I love, when english hospitality is at its best, when church was never boring, when worship songs were almost the same week after week but it never ceased to touch me, when everywhere I go, I walk, when neighbours were good friends, when I was closest to God.

I will never forget.

Mornings

I was rushing on my way to church for practice this morning, and a thought suddenly crossed my mind - maybe church starting at 9am is not such a good idea after all. Having church at 9am means having practice at 8am (which is really the time practice should start if we want to have real practice), which also means I've gotta wake up at 6.45am to get ready and drive from where I live to where church is (not near at all).

Then later another thought crossed my mind - church ended at 12noon and beyond. Which means service lasted for more than three hours. Is that a good thing?

I used to go to my former church which service starts at 8.45am. Now, that's relatively early, even earlier than now. But we always ended at 10.30am, or on later days, 11am. And, this church is in KL, about 10 mins drive from where I live. But this is merely circumstantial, of course.

I searched my heart. Is this my flesh speaking? Just coz I can't wake up early enough to make it most of the time, I'm I having doubts that it's not a good thing after all? Or is it really not a good thing for me? Am I being selfish? Am I the only one thinking this?

Being able to go to work at partially flexible hours do not help my mornings. (Partially flexible meaning so long at it's not too late and preferably before 10am). I never really get to work on time. Which means more time to sleep, and if you know me well enough, sleep is important to me. So if I never wake up early on usual days, it would be harder to wake up on a Sunday, of course. Is that the problem then?

This is the struggle in my mind of late. I guess the question I need to ask and pray about (before talking to someone about it) is whether having church at 9am is good for the general congregation. Are people really benefitting? Since this change is done in view of encouraging more prayer time, are we all really praying more? Or is it just a matter of an earlier and longer service?

Just some Blah

I'm writing this on Sweetie's new laptop, and it's not easy. But it's really tiny, versatile, compact, convenient (notwithstanding the occasional minor electric shocks while the thing is charging - well, you can't have everything....).

The holidays so far has been rather relaxing and fun. Good time to catch up with friends and family... more friends than family actually. Before I know it, it will be time to get back to work. Sob sob....

We visited LC yesterday. It was really good. She's expecting her baby next month. Wow... one of us... having a baby soon... so sureal. We had a good prayer time together. It's funny how it is with friends who share the faith - you never contact them for years, but once you do, it's like we are still able to share our innermost concerns because we know in our hearts we understand that above all, God knows exactly what we need. All we have to do is to commit to Him and remind each other to commit to Him.

Nothing else really interesting other than that, I think. Nothing worth writing about. No profound thoughts (that I can recall... yet...).

Just one lazy afternoon hanging out with Sweetie and being together. Yawn.

Rules, rules, rules

Are rules and regulations made to be broken? Is it for us non rule makers to say "Hey, it's a stupid rule, so why should I obey it?"

I've always believed that when a rule is made, it is made based on an underlying reason. The authorities did not wake up one morning and say, "Hey, let's torture the people and make a rule to annoy them!"

For example, a no entry area exist probably because either something bad has happened before, or that the road is really far too narrow. Household rules are made so that the household can run properly. The Legal Profession rulings exist to preserve the dignity of the profession. And so on and so forth.

Problem is, some rules go against the wants of some of us. Maybe it's inconvenient, maybe it's not conducive for business, maybe it costs more to obey them.

Let's see what the Bible says... hmm... hmm... where's that verse.....

"1 Remind them to be subject to rulers and authorities, to obey, to be ready for every good work, 2 to speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all humility to all men.

Titus 3:1"

"17 Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.

Hebrews 13:17"

Of course, all this is subject to any rules made contrary to God's laws, which reign supreme in our lives. The Bible never said obey only if it's convenient for you, or doesn't make you lose money.

So yes, God says obey them rules, even if they are stupid. One day, one might discover that the rule is not that stupid after all and ignoring/disobeying it may prove fatal.

I'm going to let me superiors down and tell them I want to obey the ruling instead of ignoring it like the rest of the world. If they think I'm being stupid or unco-operative, that's their problem. I feel that God is prompting me to do the right thing.

And now, I only pray for courage. I only live for God, not work, not money, not even my parents. Only with God as my courage, I will walk free.