New lesson.. and new hobby!!

I was having a discussion with some friends about how we can reach out to people and tell them about Christ. We came to the conclusion that, we just have to be cool!! There is no such thing as "my method of reaching out is a quiet one." If I am a quiet person by nature, the more I should step out and be bold for Christ!!

I used to think I am the quiet type (especially to strangers.. it's true!!) and all I have to do is to live a life reflecting Christ. I tell myself and people around me I reach out through testimonies. I guess that's not wrong. But if that's all I can do, then maybe it's time to do a bit more.

Someone told me we need to get out of our comfort zones for Christ. The very thought of that scares me to bits, but I must say I totally agree with him.

So new lesson : get outta my comfort zone. Right now. Stop doing things that I feel "comfortable" with and start doing things I fear. Like talking to mom more.. and looking for opportunities to share Christ (the opportunities have become clearer, but I'm still too scared to do anything.. boo hoo hoo... sorry God!!).

I've also decided to make thank you cards for people in my firm before I leave. That'll be nice. Plus, I like doing it. I must stop spending money to get more resources and work with what I have though, seeing that I'm still in "Broke-land".

Next weekend, for Father's Day, our cell group's gonna form a band!! That'll be so cool. I suspect they enjoy doing things like these, but they need to be pushed.

It's 2 more weeks to the Bangkok trip!! And 5 more weeks to my last and final day!!

Moving On

I have decided to move on in my career. The few days preceeding to resignation is stressful at best. The time of my resignation was like a huge boulder being removed from my shoulders.

But the time after my resignation proved to be the worst. I'm bracing myself to things that could get worse than "worst". However, the treatment I'm getting has made me see many things about the people that now still surround me:-

1) that certain people do not take kindly to resignations. They see it as you waging war against them rather than you just moving on to something better for you;

2) that when something is intended to be purely professional, certain people tend to take it personally;

3) that somehow, people do not know how to accept your decision on something, especially when they can't understand it.

While conversing with a friend today, I am being reminded of something. Perhaps this is a good time for me to spend with God instead of wasting my time doing nothing. Plus, I can't go for the sales coz I'm rather broke. What a great opportunity to renew my strength and refresh my faith!!

Uncle H said over the weekend in church that we need to pen down our life purposes, mission and our personal statement. I think I shall go think about it right now.

Tip of the Mountain

Ever had one of those periods of time in your life when everything's green and rosy and you think life is really great, thank God that He gave you wisdom to be good at what you do and for the life you have and the place He has put you?

But at the back of your head, you are thinking this is really too good to be true, one day, something will crumble (coz that's how life works - God didn't give us a bed of roses coz that'll just make us stupid) and will go wrong. You are waiting and waiting and praying that it will not be a huge wrong, it'll just be a teeny wrong and you'll be able to rectify it in time and things will get back to the normal great life God has granted you.

And then, it happens, and it happens to be something more than you can take.

For me, that is today.

Know what's worse than being reprimanded for something you know you don't deserve? Being reprimanded for something you DO deserve, coz that just makes you think you CAN actually be quite stupid.

In my head, I know it's a mistake I had to make at some point to be better in the future but I didn't know it will make me feel so terrible. It feels as if people can't trust you anymore (forget about the zillions of times you had things right, that doesn't count.. sorry), you can't concentrate on anything until it passes, and it won't pass just like that.

I keep telling myself, I'm going to learn from this and never make the same mistake again. But the repercussions are rather huge to just dismiss this as 'something for me to learn'. And the kind of feeling it creates (I'm a foolish feeler, eventhough I sometimes tell myself to stay focussed on the matter, not how I feel about it) makes it seem as if this is the end of me, my career, and the good impression I've attempted to create so far.

Even if my "reprimand-or" (if there is such a word) says she forgives me, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to "be ok" about it.

One day, I'm going to look back and realize that God allowed this to happen so that I can become wiser (and not stay stupid). And I'm going to thank God for that.

But for now, I've gotta go downhill for a while (coz I've reached the tip of the mountain, and the only way is down), not knowing when the end of 'downhill' will be. While I'm going downhill, I shall just trust in God's strength to pull me through, as He always does.

Now, to get rid of this sickly feeling......

Sufficient Grace

Dearest Lord,

You told me yesterday that Your grace is sufficient for me. Daily, Your grace is sufficient. You do not give me the answers for tomorrow but You give me grace for today because you want me to learn something bigger than this.

Today, things have become worse, and it has become even more frustrating. I don't know what to ask for - whether for help so things are better or for change in myself so that I become stronger.

Everything seems to have failed. Nothing is working; there is no forseeable help from those around me.

I'm so tempted to ask why. Why now, why me?

This is getting so hard to take in, Lord. Please help.

New Year Niceties

It's 15 minutes to the end of the last working day of year 2005 and I two nice things have happened today that I'd like to remember:-

1. Someone told me that I am a good lawyer, that I can do this, properly and perfectly; that if ever I think I am a bad solicitor, it will only be because of my own laziness (to which I agree, the laziness part, I mean);
2. Sweetie personally delivered to me a new year rose! It was both surprising and touching. I'd say 2005 hasn't been such a bad year;
   
3. Closer to my heart, cell was wonderful, cell members were nice in so many ways, we had a great Christmas play, great friends who are fun and encouraging, some great colleagues who have become great friends.
   

Resolutions? I don't believe in them, but if there were any, it would be:-

1. More dicipline to make time for God;
2. Learning to love even when it hurts / it's hard to;
3. Contributing more to family life;
4. Learning the most I can from this job;
5. Finding out more about what I really wanna be, as a lawyer and as a Christian.

I Remember

I remember waking up in the morning under my duvet, unwilling to get out because I know it will be cold and I was really cozy beneath.

I remember having everything within my reach, because my room was small and cozy and I liked it that way.

I remember the walk to the West Entrance, against the icy cold winds of the fall, taking my heavy coat off halfway during the journey because I would be sweating from walking for almost 15 minutes already.

I remember going into warm lecture halls, the feeling of my cheeks getting rosy because I just got in from the cold.

I remember the walk to the Oasis on Sunday mornings; I would have woken up only half an hour ago because the walk to the Oasis is barely 5 minutes. I remember walking into the warm hugs of my english mother and the moments when she would hold me, cold ears, fingers and all, just so that I would feel warm, inside and out.

I remember the shopping trips on Beeston Highstreet, going into secondhand shops, the littlest Dorothy Perkins I've ever seen and the tiny drugstores along the way. I remember the lil' morning market where I could get garlic; 5 bulbs for 50p - the cheapest I could ever find.

I remember going to Sainsbury with Li, resolving only to window shop, but always ending up with two big bags too much for us to carry.

I remember walking through University Park in the spring to find cherry blossoms everywhere - even in places you never notice.

I remember the cookouts with Li, and Sher would observe and talk to us in the kitchen, and Seems will cook her indian specialties, and we would all laugh at each other.

I remember the walk to the Oasis on Fridays to help out with the kitchen, where my english mum would cook up a storm, and eventhough I didn't feel happy, I would....... eventually. I remember not feeling like helping out, and english mum said it was ok.

I remember 44, the gathering of friends, the exchanges, the catching up, watching MTV and doing nothing.

It was a time when friends were as close as we get, when I get to spend all my free time with people I love, when english hospitality is at its best, when church was never boring, when worship songs were almost the same week after week but it never ceased to touch me, when everywhere I go, I walk, when neighbours were good friends, when I was closest to God.

I will never forget.

Mornings

I was rushing on my way to church for practice this morning, and a thought suddenly crossed my mind - maybe church starting at 9am is not such a good idea after all. Having church at 9am means having practice at 8am (which is really the time practice should start if we want to have real practice), which also means I've gotta wake up at 6.45am to get ready and drive from where I live to where church is (not near at all).

Then later another thought crossed my mind - church ended at 12noon and beyond. Which means service lasted for more than three hours. Is that a good thing?

I used to go to my former church which service starts at 8.45am. Now, that's relatively early, even earlier than now. But we always ended at 10.30am, or on later days, 11am. And, this church is in KL, about 10 mins drive from where I live. But this is merely circumstantial, of course.

I searched my heart. Is this my flesh speaking? Just coz I can't wake up early enough to make it most of the time, I'm I having doubts that it's not a good thing after all? Or is it really not a good thing for me? Am I being selfish? Am I the only one thinking this?

Being able to go to work at partially flexible hours do not help my mornings. (Partially flexible meaning so long at it's not too late and preferably before 10am). I never really get to work on time. Which means more time to sleep, and if you know me well enough, sleep is important to me. So if I never wake up early on usual days, it would be harder to wake up on a Sunday, of course. Is that the problem then?

This is the struggle in my mind of late. I guess the question I need to ask and pray about (before talking to someone about it) is whether having church at 9am is good for the general congregation. Are people really benefitting? Since this change is done in view of encouraging more prayer time, are we all really praying more? Or is it just a matter of an earlier and longer service?