Ever had one of those periods of time in your life when everything's green and rosy and you think life is really great, thank God that He gave you wisdom to be good at what you do and for the life you have and the place He has put you?
But at the back of your head, you are thinking this is really too good to be true, one day, something will crumble (coz that's how life works - God didn't give us a bed of roses coz that'll just make us stupid) and will go wrong. You are waiting and waiting and praying that it will not be a huge wrong, it'll just be a teeny wrong and you'll be able to rectify it in time and things will get back to the normal great life God has granted you.
And then, it happens, and it happens to be something more than you can take.
For me, that is today.
Know what's worse than being reprimanded for something you know you don't deserve? Being reprimanded for something you DO deserve, coz that just makes you think you CAN actually be quite stupid.
In my head, I know it's a mistake I had to make at some point to be better in the future but I didn't know it will make me feel so terrible. It feels as if people can't trust you anymore (forget about the zillions of times you had things right, that doesn't count.. sorry), you can't concentrate on anything until it passes, and it won't pass just like that.
I keep telling myself, I'm going to learn from this and never make the same mistake again. But the repercussions are rather huge to just dismiss this as 'something for me to learn'. And the kind of feeling it creates (I'm a foolish feeler, eventhough I sometimes tell myself to stay focussed on the matter, not how I feel about it) makes it seem as if this is the end of me, my career, and the good impression I've attempted to create so far.
Even if my "reprimand-or" (if there is such a word) says she forgives me, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to "be ok" about it.
One day, I'm going to look back and realize that God allowed this to happen so that I can become wiser (and not stay stupid). And I'm going to thank God for that.
But for now, I've gotta go downhill for a while (coz I've reached the tip of the mountain, and the only way is down), not knowing when the end of 'downhill' will be. While I'm going downhill, I shall just trust in God's strength to pull me through, as He always does.
Now, to get rid of this sickly feeling......
