Activities Overload

Camp was indeed good. I was praying for the right attitude and to rebuke bad thoughts. I didn't exactly 'feel' as if I had the right attitude, but God spoke anyways as He always does.

Team building was a success, by God's grace. We worked fairly hard, I guess, given the time we had. But it was good. We really tortured and worked people out. In the end, it was all about good fun and team spirit. It's not really who wins, but how much you've gotten to know someone through working together.

God really stirred my heart. I told God I am tired of making excuses for not spending time with Him. I really really desired to be intimate with Him. I cried my heart out - Help me focus on You! I don't want to make excuses anymore. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of taking You for granted.

For a moment, it felt like God had 'abandoned' me, although I know better. I felt nothing. I cried to God, but God did not show me anything. He did not 'speak' to me.

Then, when Pastor Daniel (who has no idea who I am nor what I do in church) prayed for me, he asked God to remove all the stuff I was doing in church ("activities") and focus on being intimate with Him, because after all that is said and done, my relationship with Him matters most. That open the floodgates (literally) and I knew God was speaking to my heart. He knew I was struggling to have that time with Him, feeling guilty and all.

So I made a commitment to God, that I will make the conscious effort to make time with Him a priority. After all, we have all the rest of the time to do other less important stuff. I am tired to hearing testimonies but not experiencing them.

All these seem so trivial for a 'long time Christian' but when one is going through it, it's a big thing.

So yes. By grace, all is well.

By grace, I am sunburnt but am still considered fair. This is the vain me speaking ;-) (Have you any idea how hard it is to find the right make up once you've "changed colour"??)

Two cents worth

Ever notice how many people take it upon themself to give you unsolicited advice when you share a piece of news with them; especially those people who aren't really part of that news?

I'm getting my car soon. The reality of it is pretty overwhelming. But the thing that bothers me is how much people want to give me their advice on my decisions on the colour of the car, the Bank of which I choose to take a loan with, etc etc. It would be different if these people's advice really help; unfortunately, more often than not, it doesn't.

This is pretty much what I get "White?? Why white?? Do you know how much it takes to maintain it? Get Silver." or "X Bank? Why? You should try Y Bank - they offer lower interest rates." "Your showroom is in _______ ? Why so far? When you take it for servicing, you'll have to travel more and waste more petrol?" "Why didn't you tell me you are getting a car sooner? I know a friend who can sell the car to you real cheap."

First of all, the car is going to be mine. I will the the one washing it, using it and maintaining it. Did people really think I didn't think of all that BEFORE I made my decision? By the way, to dispell the myth, you can service your car at the servicing centre of your choice... they have something called branches. And if I was going to blab away all my decisions and considerations to people who aren't that close to me in the first place, won't I be just getting more useless opinions?

Second of all, I think before we say anything to anyone, we should consider if what we say will be helpful, and what our motives are. After all, God did say to only speak wholesome words to each other.

Third of all, did all these people really think I would change my mind after listening to their two cents worth? Isn't it logical for one to think and pray before making a decision? Wouldn't one have done much research before making a decision? Doesn't 'challenging' one's decision mean that one's decision is not respected?

Perhaps we live in a society where respect for ordinary people (as in, people who are not high profile or 'well known') is really lacking. The thing is, I do not think any one of us do it intentionally. Which is worse, coz we don't even consider it important for us to think about.

So, I'm getting a WHITE car and a loan with a bank I choose. If anyone has any problems with that, that's not my problem.

First Love

I am meeting up soon with my first ever boyfriend, and I'm really happy about it. Not because I've not gotten over him, but because I'm so glad that we are still friends despite all that hurt we have gone through breaking up.

They say you never forget your first love, and I suspect they are right. I remember a lot of the stuff he used to say to me which made me feel really good inside. After all, he was the first guy to say stuff like that to me. I also remember the nights of crying when we broke up (for three whole months!!!). It was really horrid, and I all I could do was ask God why.

The thing was, he wasn't a Christian, and he couldn't understand why God is so important to me. And I couldn't take that. God however gave me the courage to to give up the "feeling good inside" and reminded me who my real First Love is. Was it hurtful? Of course. I'd be lying if I said it was painless.

But today, when I think about it, I realize that there would be so many things I'd have to give up if I was still with him. And there were so many things he did I didn't agree with. The magic is that despite all that, we are still friends until today. And I thank God with all my heart for knowing what's best for me and giving me the courage to do what I knew was right.

Today, I have another friend who is going out with a non-Christian. Will I tell her to break up with him? I don't know. Perhaps if my friend and I weren't a couple before, we may not be as good friends as we are now. But because we were, we hurt each other a lot in the past. The one thing I remember vividly is that God kept reminding me to look at the bigger picture. Somehow, I knew at the back of my head that that relationship wasn't going to go anywhere. Yet, I wanted to keep that feeling. I wanted to love and be loved. For the first time in my life. It wasn't easy to fight with that feeling (being the foolish romantic I am).

So, I guess my answer to the friend going out with the non-Christian is a compromised one; be friends with him. Be a really good friend, if you want. Share the gospel with him, no strings attached. Who knows, he may come to know Christ. Only when he does, then consider going out with him. But before that, don't even think about it. You'll go through a lot of tough times when you become a 'couple'. Already, having a Christian boyfriend has its own struggles. Don't put yourself in a position to hurt yourself even more. Oh yeah, and pray like crazy!!

Today, I will never forget that, whatever said and done, my First Love is only One. The One who will never leave me. The One who cares for me more than any mortal will ever be able to. The One who gives me peace and rest in the midst of turbulence. The One who will always be there eventhough I make excuses not to spend time with Him. Most of all, the One who knows what is BEST for me.

Free and easy

The past few weeks have indeed been free and easy at work. I can take hours to finish up something, and nothing seems to be coming in. Things are either not moving, or not coming in at all. Sigh....

I should be happy that I've got all this time to do anything. Problem is, I can't do just 'anything'. It has to be work related. If I have nothing much to do, I am supposed to be looking into old files to see if things are alright. Unfortunately, that makes me sleepy, so I really can't do too much of that. This is coming from someone who was rebuked because she was reading a book at work, only because she hasn't much to do.

Isn't it sad that our work culture is so 'straightforward and inflexible'? I mean, what is wrong with reading something if it is indeed something beneficial. It's different if one was reading some crappy magazine or even the newspaper. But no...... you HAVE to do work related things, even if it means having to look into files that are like 20 years ago. Sigh......

So, I have resorted to blogging which appears to everyone that I'm busy drafting something on the computer. Well, we have to do what we have to do, like it or not.

I got a call from a really good friend today, so I'm really quite pleased. I've known him for at least 8 years. We never really talk all the time - it's more like we talk once or three times a year. But every single time, it's as if we are able to continue as if we just had a conversation yesterday. That's really priceless. That's what's important to me. My main prayer and concern for this friend is that he will one day come to know the Lord. We'll just have to see what God does.

On the 'getting a car' issue, the time is drawing really near!!! I'll finally be able to save up enough to get a car next month. I can't believe it - it is a big thing to me. It's part of my quest to be independant, which is a really important quest at this point of my life. Thank you Lord for providing for me. I can already imagine what I'll do with the car!! Ah.... the little pleasures of life!

Courteousness, anyone?

If you do not own a car and have to walk around a lot (like I have to) you will notice that many Malaysians do not know the meaning of being courteous. Probably because, convenience for self is far more important to us than courteousness to other people (at least I think so - what else can it be?).

Come on, be honest, how many motorists actually stop at the pedestrian crossing (with no traffic lights) to allow pedestrians to cross? How many times have we tried to get out of the train, only having to struggle through because people thick heads cannot understand that we should let people alight first, then board the train? Is it really so hard?

When I first got back from the UK, these practices really annoyed me. They still do, though. If only we spare some time thinking about it.

Even if you do drive, have you noticed how many motorists cut in and out of lanes without even bothering to indicate? And people wonder how come the accident rates are so high in KL alone. How many motorists actually gesture their appreciation when you let them go before you?

My message to the them out there (should you choose to accept it) is to think about how much simpler life would be if we only spare a minute to think of being courteous. It certain won't kill us to think of other people for a change.

On a much happier note, Sweetie is back from Kuching. Thank God!!! I missed him so much. If you are reading this, Sweetie, don't ever leave for a holiday again without me. It really sucks having to be here having nothing to do while you are somewhere else gallaranting.

More good news :- Contractor proposed to Ms. Do-It-All - finally! Yes, my dear Contractor, we all want THE RING. Complain if you must, but that's real important to us girls. We want a 'replay' of the proposal (the romantically enhanced version)!!!

Don't judge if you didn't really care

I had a discussion with someone regarding how easily we critize things, people and circumstances, when in the first place, we never really cared. This is especially to do with people.

It's really easy to jump into conclusions, like that person should and should not do this and that. It's easy to match the circumstances and come to our own rationalisation. Is he/she not coming to church? Oh, then he/she must be backsliding. Is he/she not attending cell? (Either) He/she has given up 'godly' things for 'worldly' things (or) His/her cell leader/group is not functioning. They should be doing this and that.....

Now imagine for a moment being in the receiving end of all this. Discouraged is tired, he has served much, he has given much. All this time, no one ever asked Discouraged if he was doing fine, if he was getting enough support, how his spiritual life is. So long as Discouraged kept quiet, Discouraged is ok (or so it seems, at least). Discouraged continues to serve faithfully, and gives and gives.

It comes to a point when Discouraged breaks down. Does anyone care? Do I really have to shout my lungs out for love and care? Discouraged tries to console himself - I'm doing this for God. He is my driving force. He will help me. He will see that I'm ok. Discouraged prays and prays. He really doesn't know what else to do, but to just surrender himself and his ministry to God.

But there was still no encouragement. Perhaps God sent some, but he sure didn't see it. It came to the last straw. Discouraged couldn't take it anymore. He prays 'Lord, I need a break. I need rest. Please help them understand'. So he goes and takes a break from his ministry.

This is the time when the people around him (who, undoubtedly, never really cared to ask about him or his ministry - all they knew was he was there and it was all taken care of) started to see that he decided to 'quit'. Why is he quitting? Isn't he doing well? He shouldn't blame anyone for not giving him this and that, he never asked for it. He should pray about it first before making such a drastic move. He should......

Discouraged gets more discouraged, and it will take him a while before he is able to give again. Even so, during this period, people around him say "I think he's strayed. He used to be such a good leader. Maybe his relationship with God is not going too well. Shame."

Suddenly, I find myself agreeing with my discussion partner about not judging if we didn't care in the first place. I'm sure I've done that one time or another-judging people when I didn't really know what was going on. Really damaging stuff. We really need to examine ourselves and our tongues - are we speaking love and encouragement, or are we making ourselves judges on this earth?

This does not concern ministry alone. Even things we do everyday at home and at work. Words and glances we give to our parents, our siblings, our friends and colleagues. Words and glances we receive from them.

I've also been in the receiving end. It hurts really badly, eventhough judgemental words do not come directly from our mouths. Glances alone are enough to bring one's heart crashing down. If only they knew. If only they cared enough to ask. If only they remember that I'm human and have feelings too.

So yeah... unless we cared, take note of what we are going to say. We may hurt the other person without even knowing it. The worst thing is, we may never know the damage we may have caused by saying it.