New Year Niceties

It's 15 minutes to the end of the last working day of year 2005 and I two nice things have happened today that I'd like to remember:-

1. Someone told me that I am a good lawyer, that I can do this, properly and perfectly; that if ever I think I am a bad solicitor, it will only be because of my own laziness (to which I agree, the laziness part, I mean);
2. Sweetie personally delivered to me a new year rose! It was both surprising and touching. I'd say 2005 hasn't been such a bad year;
   
3. Closer to my heart, cell was wonderful, cell members were nice in so many ways, we had a great Christmas play, great friends who are fun and encouraging, some great colleagues who have become great friends.
   

Resolutions? I don't believe in them, but if there were any, it would be:-

1. More dicipline to make time for God;
2. Learning to love even when it hurts / it's hard to;
3. Contributing more to family life;
4. Learning the most I can from this job;
5. Finding out more about what I really wanna be, as a lawyer and as a Christian.

I Remember

I remember waking up in the morning under my duvet, unwilling to get out because I know it will be cold and I was really cozy beneath.

I remember having everything within my reach, because my room was small and cozy and I liked it that way.

I remember the walk to the West Entrance, against the icy cold winds of the fall, taking my heavy coat off halfway during the journey because I would be sweating from walking for almost 15 minutes already.

I remember going into warm lecture halls, the feeling of my cheeks getting rosy because I just got in from the cold.

I remember the walk to the Oasis on Sunday mornings; I would have woken up only half an hour ago because the walk to the Oasis is barely 5 minutes. I remember walking into the warm hugs of my english mother and the moments when she would hold me, cold ears, fingers and all, just so that I would feel warm, inside and out.

I remember the shopping trips on Beeston Highstreet, going into secondhand shops, the littlest Dorothy Perkins I've ever seen and the tiny drugstores along the way. I remember the lil' morning market where I could get garlic; 5 bulbs for 50p - the cheapest I could ever find.

I remember going to Sainsbury with Li, resolving only to window shop, but always ending up with two big bags too much for us to carry.

I remember walking through University Park in the spring to find cherry blossoms everywhere - even in places you never notice.

I remember the cookouts with Li, and Sher would observe and talk to us in the kitchen, and Seems will cook her indian specialties, and we would all laugh at each other.

I remember the walk to the Oasis on Fridays to help out with the kitchen, where my english mum would cook up a storm, and eventhough I didn't feel happy, I would....... eventually. I remember not feeling like helping out, and english mum said it was ok.

I remember 44, the gathering of friends, the exchanges, the catching up, watching MTV and doing nothing.

It was a time when friends were as close as we get, when I get to spend all my free time with people I love, when english hospitality is at its best, when church was never boring, when worship songs were almost the same week after week but it never ceased to touch me, when everywhere I go, I walk, when neighbours were good friends, when I was closest to God.

I will never forget.

Mornings

I was rushing on my way to church for practice this morning, and a thought suddenly crossed my mind - maybe church starting at 9am is not such a good idea after all. Having church at 9am means having practice at 8am (which is really the time practice should start if we want to have real practice), which also means I've gotta wake up at 6.45am to get ready and drive from where I live to where church is (not near at all).

Then later another thought crossed my mind - church ended at 12noon and beyond. Which means service lasted for more than three hours. Is that a good thing?

I used to go to my former church which service starts at 8.45am. Now, that's relatively early, even earlier than now. But we always ended at 10.30am, or on later days, 11am. And, this church is in KL, about 10 mins drive from where I live. But this is merely circumstantial, of course.

I searched my heart. Is this my flesh speaking? Just coz I can't wake up early enough to make it most of the time, I'm I having doubts that it's not a good thing after all? Or is it really not a good thing for me? Am I being selfish? Am I the only one thinking this?

Being able to go to work at partially flexible hours do not help my mornings. (Partially flexible meaning so long at it's not too late and preferably before 10am). I never really get to work on time. Which means more time to sleep, and if you know me well enough, sleep is important to me. So if I never wake up early on usual days, it would be harder to wake up on a Sunday, of course. Is that the problem then?

This is the struggle in my mind of late. I guess the question I need to ask and pray about (before talking to someone about it) is whether having church at 9am is good for the general congregation. Are people really benefitting? Since this change is done in view of encouraging more prayer time, are we all really praying more? Or is it just a matter of an earlier and longer service?

Just some Blah

I'm writing this on Sweetie's new laptop, and it's not easy. But it's really tiny, versatile, compact, convenient (notwithstanding the occasional minor electric shocks while the thing is charging - well, you can't have everything....).

The holidays so far has been rather relaxing and fun. Good time to catch up with friends and family... more friends than family actually. Before I know it, it will be time to get back to work. Sob sob....

We visited LC yesterday. It was really good. She's expecting her baby next month. Wow... one of us... having a baby soon... so sureal. We had a good prayer time together. It's funny how it is with friends who share the faith - you never contact them for years, but once you do, it's like we are still able to share our innermost concerns because we know in our hearts we understand that above all, God knows exactly what we need. All we have to do is to commit to Him and remind each other to commit to Him.

Nothing else really interesting other than that, I think. Nothing worth writing about. No profound thoughts (that I can recall... yet...).

Just one lazy afternoon hanging out with Sweetie and being together. Yawn.

Rules, rules, rules

Are rules and regulations made to be broken? Is it for us non rule makers to say "Hey, it's a stupid rule, so why should I obey it?"

I've always believed that when a rule is made, it is made based on an underlying reason. The authorities did not wake up one morning and say, "Hey, let's torture the people and make a rule to annoy them!"

For example, a no entry area exist probably because either something bad has happened before, or that the road is really far too narrow. Household rules are made so that the household can run properly. The Legal Profession rulings exist to preserve the dignity of the profession. And so on and so forth.

Problem is, some rules go against the wants of some of us. Maybe it's inconvenient, maybe it's not conducive for business, maybe it costs more to obey them.

Let's see what the Bible says... hmm... hmm... where's that verse.....

"1 Remind them to be subject to rulers and authorities, to obey, to be ready for every good work, 2 to speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all humility to all men.

Titus 3:1"

"17 Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.

Hebrews 13:17"

Of course, all this is subject to any rules made contrary to God's laws, which reign supreme in our lives. The Bible never said obey only if it's convenient for you, or doesn't make you lose money.

So yes, God says obey them rules, even if they are stupid. One day, one might discover that the rule is not that stupid after all and ignoring/disobeying it may prove fatal.

I'm going to let me superiors down and tell them I want to obey the ruling instead of ignoring it like the rest of the world. If they think I'm being stupid or unco-operative, that's their problem. I feel that God is prompting me to do the right thing.

And now, I only pray for courage. I only live for God, not work, not money, not even my parents. Only with God as my courage, I will walk free.

Workplace Relationships

I stumbled upon this website; http://www.christianitytoday.com/workplace/. Thought it will be a good read to keep me from compromising my faith at work.

Recently, I've learnt not to reveal my true self to people especially at work. It's really a sad state to be in, but perhaps necessary to protect oneself.

The place where I work is wrought with people who are not really interested being better and learning the trade. I feel that most of them just want to get through the day. Of course, there will be days when I want to just get through the day, but I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot waste time and must learn as much as I can.

However, being in such an environment is not always conducive for learning. For example, if I am suppose to deal with a file, I might try my level best to deal with it, while people who are appointed to assist me may just leave me to do every single thing. Or they may just tell themselves not to worry their little minds, I'll do everything in the end.

Which makes me wonder whether I'm actually learning or just picking up after people coz they refuse to do their part. It saddens me as I'm writing this, because I might have wasted three hours out of nine just trying to do other people's work.

What will Jesus do? I really don't know. Jesus exerted His authority over people and had to be hard on them when they disobeyed eventhough He loved them. Like the time when He went into the temple and was angry as the people had misused His Father's house.

And that is precisely what I'm struggling to do. To keep good work relationships but at the same time be hard on my staff. Not take work related things personally. I'd like to believe I'm at least a quarter there.

I've also learnt that not everyone is who they seem to be. Perhaps that's why you can't really make real friends at work. It's rare to have a friend-colleague, but I thank God I do have one. (And if he is reading this, stop grinning!)

Sigh.... you learn something new everyday. In the end, you will come out stronger and wiser. And I'll just have to hold on to that for the time being.

For Lucy

Dear Lucy,

Welcome to the world!! Your daddy sent me some pictures of you - gosh you are tiny. I'm so glad you are finally here.

You'd probably not meet me anytime soon due to the distance between us. But I think of you, and that's why I am writing. Thought I'd share with you some of the great experiences I had in Nottingham where you live; when daddy and mommy was in the same homegroup as I.
Daddy and mommy never fails to update me with what's happening over where you live. So exciting. Daddy did say he was going to come to Malaysia for a quick visit, but because you were on the way, he didn't. But please come!! When you are old enough to travel, you must come here, you hear? If daddy and mommy forgets that they were supposed to pay me a visit, you remind them, ok? (By the way, your daddy laughed at me coz I drink tea without milk - he promised to send me tea from England, but I have yet to receive it. You must defend me and annoy him by drinking tea without milk ok?

You must have already met Pat and Bob - they are wonderful people. When you finally grow teeth, you must ask Pat to cook for you. Trust me on this one. She can whip up a storm in seconds. I miss them so much. Every Sunday morning at the Oasis, they greet me with a warm hug. This is especially nice when it was winter time and I was all 'frozen' from the cold. God bless them.

You'll love the Oasis. When you enter, there is a certain warmth (and I'm not talking about the 'heater warmth' here) that you cannot explain. God spoke to me so many times there. I can still imagine in my head how Oasis looks like. And the kitchen; where I spent most of my Friday evenings helping out.

You are so lucky to be living in the suburbs. I love the suburbs. Here in Kuala Lumpur, city life is rather hectic. It's harder to say hello to people you meet on the street coz it doesn't feel as safe as it does in Beeston. At the moment now, we are battling the haze due to forest fires in Indonesia. The Air Polution Index is at the hazardous level at the moment. It's hard to breathe, coz there is no fresh air. People are advised to stay indoors and not go out unnecessarily.
Please ask daddy, mommy, Bob and Pat to pray for us here in KL ok? I wish I was in England. At least it will be cold, nice and fresh. Trust me, you'd rather have the cold than this.

Anyway, meanwhile it's back to work as usual. Take care, Luc. If I get a chance, I'll certainly come visit you. Send my love to daddy and mommy.

Love,
Me

Road to Maturity

As I grow older (and hopefully in maturity), I've come to realize the importance of separating work with play and differentiating how I deal with people at work, in church and at home. Of course, this is by no means being hypocritical - just handling different situations/people differently I guess.

For example, if I am to be nasty at work just so that people don't take advantage of me (she's nice, she'll do anything we ask her to, she won't get angry at us), it doesn't follow that I should be nasty in church just so people in church doesn't take advantage of me. Just because work culture is "do this pronto without being asked" doesn't mean church culture becomes "you are serving God right? So you should do this pronto without being asked." If work is similar to church, then what is the meaning of grace and mercy?

Sadly, so many people bring their work culture to church. "Hey we should be doing this man, coz it's good. Why ask so many questions? Do it, pronto." And then, there is "So and so used to serve together with me in X ministry. Not so efficient. Maybe not a good idea to ask her to do this."

Are all these really necessary? What happened to encouragement and speaking life into people? What happened to being tactful so that we do not discourage unneccesarily?

The other thing I am struggling with must be separating work issues on a case to case basis. I think I have a tendancy to label people. If someone does something wrong, I find myself saying "Ok that's it. I'm not letting her do anything anymore coz that just gets me into trouble". And then, I have a difficulty talking with him/her when it comes to other matters.

Recently too, I did something wrong at work which boss found fit to shout at. After which, I felt really bad and was really angry at myself. I was also thinking, oh gosh, she'll never trust me with anything big anymore. There goes my increment. There goes my annual review.

But, (and I thank God for this 'but') the next moment we were discussing about another matter, and yet again she entrusted me with it. So it got me thinking. Maybe we are not supposed to label people like "irresponsible", "lazy", "can't handle big things", etc just coz they've represented to be that way on occasion. Otherwise, we can never trust anyone!

And now, I'm sure we are not supposed to label people like that. I think a lot of people (including me) forget we are all human who make mistakes, and just because we see someone else make a mistake does not mean we won't make the same mistake if we were in that person's shoes. If we readily judge people and do not give them chances, and other people do the same to us, no one will never have a chance to do anything!

So yes... another day, another lesson.... on the road to maturity...

"An Apple Parable"

I got this email from a friend, and I thought it was a really good read. So I decided to keep it....

"I bought an Apple iBook last year.I really enjoyed using it and became a Mac convert.For awhile.

After about four and a half months, horrors. The LCD screen cracked. I was opening the note book to use one evening and the screen cracked. A diagonal crack from the top right hand corner to the bottom left hand corner. No problem. It was still within the warranty period.

So I brought it back to the shop.To be told that the one year warranty did not cover screen cracks. (This was never told to me.)I was told that the screen cannot crack. If it cracked I must have dropped it. Or dropped something heavy on it. But screens do not crack. And therefore the warranty does not cover cracked screens. It would cost me about 1/3 the purchase price to replace the screen. I said, "hello, I have been using notebooks since you were a gleam in your father's eye. I have used a Fujitsu, a Gateway, and an IBM before and I have never had a screen crack on me . And I know for a fact that the notebook was sitting on my desk and the screen cracked when I opened the cover."The reply came: "sorry, rules are rules."

I tried begging. I told them I was a poor church worker. Please take pity on me. That didn't work. (I guess poor church workers wouldn't be using Apples to begin with.)Then the famous Soo Inn temper began to flare. I threatened to besmirch the name of Apple through my mailing list. I threatened to call my lawyers. I threatened to bring my case to the consumers tribunal.I huffed and I puffed.To no avail. I can't remember if I prayed.

But soon it was the Christmas period and all those in church related vocations had their hands full telling people about God's grace. So I didn't have the time or the energy to carry through any of my threats.In the meantime I went back to the dark side. I went back to my trusty ThinkPad.Winter turned into Spring and No. 1 son started university. He needed a notebook. I passed him the ThinkPad. I went back to my desktop.

One day I was rummaging through my cupboard when a familiar white notebook caught my eye. Yup, it was the damaged iBook.It was past the warranty period. I didn't have a legal leg to stand on. But perhaps changing a screen would still cost less than getting another notebook.I decided to go all the way to the top. I decided to see the head honcho of the Apple people in Malaysia. Oh yes, I decided to pray as well.

Mr. Head Honcho was very helpful. He said the first thing I needed to do was to call the Apple call centre and report what had happened. They would give me a case number. I was to bring the number to him and he would see what he could do. He would try to get me a discount on a new screen. I thought this was ok since it was past the one year warranty period.(The guys from the shop where I bought the iBook didn't tell me anything about calling the Apple centre and gave me no encouragement to see the head honcho of Apple Malaysia.)

I did as I was told. The chaps from the official Apple workshop were friendly as well. They picked up my iBook and saved me a trip to Kuala Lumpur.Two weeks later I received word. The head honcho had managed to get me a one time free replacement deal. I would get my new screen for free.

Many lessons here.The primary one is the need to trust God. And to pray as a first option. As our primary option.

No wonder Jesus said blessed are the poor (Luke 6:20).The poor do not know how to work the system. The poor do not have many lawyer friends. The poor cannot afford lawyers.Therefore they can only trust God.They get a lot of practice trusting God.

If you are middle class and more, if you have some of the world's goods, if you have some degree of formal education --- you know your rights. You know how the system works. You have a number of lawyer friends you can count on.And so when confronted with a crisis, you turn to your worldly resources. You try to work the system. You huff and you puff.And often you forget to pray.

The meta sin underneath all sin is the sin of an independent spirit, the fatal illusion that we do not really need God.We can work out our lives on our own.Which is not to say that we are to be passive and do nothing.

When the Israelites reached the promised land, they had to work the land for their food. But they knew that all good things ultimately come from God. They had learnt it during the long years in the desert (Exodus 16: 34-35). Often God will call us to colabour with Him. No, we are not called to passivity as such. It is more a stance of the heart.We are called to trust Him at all times for all things.And a key way this trust is expressed is through prayer (Philippians 4:6).

There was also another lesson here. I learnt that the Apple head honcho was a brother in Christ. He only revealed this in his last email to me.I had sent him an email to thank him for his help. He replied that he was glad to be able to help a brother in Christ.Talk about showing your faith through your works (James 2:18).He had been Christian in how he had handled my case. I had not been Christian in how I had initially tried to solve my problem.I need to say that my romantic enthusiasm for Apple has been tempered somewhat. I am grateful that I can use my iBook again. But the whole incident was a God given modern parable.I needed to learn, yet again, that I needed to trust and obey.I should have gone all the way to the top from day one.And I mean all the way.

Your brother,
Soo-Inn Tan
Write me at:sooinn@graceatwork.org"

Thanks Soo Inn for a great lesson!

What do you wanna be?

I've been asked many times if I'm doing what I intended to do. Do I intend to be in legal practice for years? Do I intend to have my own firm? Do I intend to be an expert in my field? What drives me at work? And again recently, I was asked the same question.

The answer to that, to the disappointment of my enquirers, is I don't know. However, certainly, I do not intend to practice forever. Perhaps, to join the United Nations. Even so, I don't know how. Certainly not to have my own firm. If I wasn't interested in practice, why would I want my own firm? That would be like paying to torture myself.

Someone else once told me that the problem with our profession is that too many people know how to do our job. Toss a coin somewhere in the middle of town and there is a 99% chance that it will hit someone in my profession. That, I'll have to agree with.

Usually, I'll say that I'm still learning and trying to gain experience. The day I do not have to consult someone before making a decision on a file is the day I know I've got enough 'experience' in my field. My field. I don't even know what field that is yet. But I was just thinking, how would I be sure that by a certain time, I would have gained the experience I need? How would I know if it's going to be one year, two years or seven years? What drives me to improve my working skills?

A friend shared this passage with me in 2 Peter 1:3-11 :

2 Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, 3as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, 4by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. 5But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, 6to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, 7to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. 8For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

9For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. 10Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; 11for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I thought about this passage the whole week last week. It really inspired me. God has already given us all things that pertain to life and godliness. All things. Not some things, but all things.

Wow....

So, it's not work that I should be focused on, but the knowledge of and relationship with God. When I have this relationship, all things will fall in the right place. I already know this in my head. Now it's just trying to get my flesh and heart to conform.

All things.......

"Decent"

I met up with a friend yesterday night; an old friend. He's one of those friends whom I hardly talk to (probably like once or twice a year), but we could always pick up where we left off. Everytime we meet up, he would say one thing about me; that I'm 'decent'. That I'm one of his most decent friends. That I am good for him, coz I keep him sane (or so he says). I gather that he probably said that coz he sees that I'm a practicing Christian and I hold on to my values and principles.

I really really do treasure this friendship. Years ago, I tried real hard to share the gospel with him. He, of course (being the kind of melancholic choleric person he is) was skeptical. But yesterday, he brought it up. He wasn't really seeking; perhaps he was curious. But we had yet another discussion. He was looking for evidences. I was talking about faith. We ended up agreeing to disagree, and I was ok with that.

If there was one glaring thing I learnt in this friendship, is that God does work in His own time. We always want things done NOW, but God knows that maybe now's really not a good time. He's got His way of making things happen when it's the perfect time for it to happen.

My friend may not have accepted Christ yesterday (although I've told him I'm a Christian since forever, and we've had discussions on and off for at least 7 years) but I had a good feeling that the seed that was planted grew a little, with no help from me at all. I was just there to have that discussion again. He says I'm the only person he knows who is so convicted about what I believe in and about God. Maybe he'll one day see what I see, understand what faith is, but it's not up to me to make him.

If he was reading this, and if he knew I am talking about him, I'd like to tell him that whatever becomes of him, I'll always be his friend (I know this sounds corny, but it's from the bottom of my heart). And no doubt, I'll always be here for those discussions about life, faith, God and other things we laugh about. Besides, I'm still on standby when he needs a lawyer (or so he tells me).

And of course, I'm standing by to see what God will do in his life...... in His perfect time.

Driving blues

I got my car about a month ago, so I've been driving to work every single day. I must say, I truly enjoy and celebrate the mobility. However, one thing never fails to stress me out - ethical driving (or in our case, the lack of it).

What's the deal with people who just refuses to indicate when they want to cut into your lane? Do they really expect that you read their minds when they position their car in a certain way? Worse, they hesitate and you are left guessing, are they cutting in or just positioning their car in that way. And one wonders why the accident rates in this country is up and rising. And then, there are those people who are totally oblivious to the right of way. Try asking them what that is, they'll probably stare blankly at you.

Ah well....

Independence

I've discovered lately that being independent is a really big thing to me. Especially since I got my car. When people say or do something that violates my independence, I tend to get a bit irritated.

I've also noticed that many guys think that girls cannot fend for themselves. They do all sorts of things to make sure the girl is 'ok'. Otherwise, the poor girl will just die off or something.
Come on now.... is that really true? In this day and age, are girls still looked upon as the 'gender that is not so capable to fend for themselves'?

Someone once told me, when God made Adam and Eve, He took Adam's rib to create Eve. That means man is to love the woman close to his heart. He did not take something from Adam's feet so that man can rule over woman, neither did He take something from Adam's head so that woman can control the man.

Close to his heart. That means, to love the woman as best as you can. But that doesn't mean fend for her. It does not mean have a preconceived impression that the woman is 'less capable'. It certainly does not mean to change the way the woman is so that she conforms to what the man thinks she should be. Of course, there is the question of submission in the Bible as well. But if I read the Bible correctly, no where does it say that submission means conformity.

I feel that, many times, while having conversations with people, men fail to realize that women do have brains, they can think for themselves, they can make their own decisions. Many times, they do not need unsolicited help / advise, but much of such are offered.

The only other thing is, while I go all out to protect my independence (from men and women alike), I have to constantly remind myself that I am NOT independent from God. Independence from God is really bad news. So yes, I thank God that whilst I have all my flaws, God accepts the person I am, while I learn everyday to be dependent on Him.

Activities Overload

Camp was indeed good. I was praying for the right attitude and to rebuke bad thoughts. I didn't exactly 'feel' as if I had the right attitude, but God spoke anyways as He always does.

Team building was a success, by God's grace. We worked fairly hard, I guess, given the time we had. But it was good. We really tortured and worked people out. In the end, it was all about good fun and team spirit. It's not really who wins, but how much you've gotten to know someone through working together.

God really stirred my heart. I told God I am tired of making excuses for not spending time with Him. I really really desired to be intimate with Him. I cried my heart out - Help me focus on You! I don't want to make excuses anymore. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of taking You for granted.

For a moment, it felt like God had 'abandoned' me, although I know better. I felt nothing. I cried to God, but God did not show me anything. He did not 'speak' to me.

Then, when Pastor Daniel (who has no idea who I am nor what I do in church) prayed for me, he asked God to remove all the stuff I was doing in church ("activities") and focus on being intimate with Him, because after all that is said and done, my relationship with Him matters most. That open the floodgates (literally) and I knew God was speaking to my heart. He knew I was struggling to have that time with Him, feeling guilty and all.

So I made a commitment to God, that I will make the conscious effort to make time with Him a priority. After all, we have all the rest of the time to do other less important stuff. I am tired to hearing testimonies but not experiencing them.

All these seem so trivial for a 'long time Christian' but when one is going through it, it's a big thing.

So yes. By grace, all is well.

By grace, I am sunburnt but am still considered fair. This is the vain me speaking ;-) (Have you any idea how hard it is to find the right make up once you've "changed colour"??)

Two cents worth

Ever notice how many people take it upon themself to give you unsolicited advice when you share a piece of news with them; especially those people who aren't really part of that news?

I'm getting my car soon. The reality of it is pretty overwhelming. But the thing that bothers me is how much people want to give me their advice on my decisions on the colour of the car, the Bank of which I choose to take a loan with, etc etc. It would be different if these people's advice really help; unfortunately, more often than not, it doesn't.

This is pretty much what I get "White?? Why white?? Do you know how much it takes to maintain it? Get Silver." or "X Bank? Why? You should try Y Bank - they offer lower interest rates." "Your showroom is in _______ ? Why so far? When you take it for servicing, you'll have to travel more and waste more petrol?" "Why didn't you tell me you are getting a car sooner? I know a friend who can sell the car to you real cheap."

First of all, the car is going to be mine. I will the the one washing it, using it and maintaining it. Did people really think I didn't think of all that BEFORE I made my decision? By the way, to dispell the myth, you can service your car at the servicing centre of your choice... they have something called branches. And if I was going to blab away all my decisions and considerations to people who aren't that close to me in the first place, won't I be just getting more useless opinions?

Second of all, I think before we say anything to anyone, we should consider if what we say will be helpful, and what our motives are. After all, God did say to only speak wholesome words to each other.

Third of all, did all these people really think I would change my mind after listening to their two cents worth? Isn't it logical for one to think and pray before making a decision? Wouldn't one have done much research before making a decision? Doesn't 'challenging' one's decision mean that one's decision is not respected?

Perhaps we live in a society where respect for ordinary people (as in, people who are not high profile or 'well known') is really lacking. The thing is, I do not think any one of us do it intentionally. Which is worse, coz we don't even consider it important for us to think about.

So, I'm getting a WHITE car and a loan with a bank I choose. If anyone has any problems with that, that's not my problem.

First Love

I am meeting up soon with my first ever boyfriend, and I'm really happy about it. Not because I've not gotten over him, but because I'm so glad that we are still friends despite all that hurt we have gone through breaking up.

They say you never forget your first love, and I suspect they are right. I remember a lot of the stuff he used to say to me which made me feel really good inside. After all, he was the first guy to say stuff like that to me. I also remember the nights of crying when we broke up (for three whole months!!!). It was really horrid, and I all I could do was ask God why.

The thing was, he wasn't a Christian, and he couldn't understand why God is so important to me. And I couldn't take that. God however gave me the courage to to give up the "feeling good inside" and reminded me who my real First Love is. Was it hurtful? Of course. I'd be lying if I said it was painless.

But today, when I think about it, I realize that there would be so many things I'd have to give up if I was still with him. And there were so many things he did I didn't agree with. The magic is that despite all that, we are still friends until today. And I thank God with all my heart for knowing what's best for me and giving me the courage to do what I knew was right.

Today, I have another friend who is going out with a non-Christian. Will I tell her to break up with him? I don't know. Perhaps if my friend and I weren't a couple before, we may not be as good friends as we are now. But because we were, we hurt each other a lot in the past. The one thing I remember vividly is that God kept reminding me to look at the bigger picture. Somehow, I knew at the back of my head that that relationship wasn't going to go anywhere. Yet, I wanted to keep that feeling. I wanted to love and be loved. For the first time in my life. It wasn't easy to fight with that feeling (being the foolish romantic I am).

So, I guess my answer to the friend going out with the non-Christian is a compromised one; be friends with him. Be a really good friend, if you want. Share the gospel with him, no strings attached. Who knows, he may come to know Christ. Only when he does, then consider going out with him. But before that, don't even think about it. You'll go through a lot of tough times when you become a 'couple'. Already, having a Christian boyfriend has its own struggles. Don't put yourself in a position to hurt yourself even more. Oh yeah, and pray like crazy!!

Today, I will never forget that, whatever said and done, my First Love is only One. The One who will never leave me. The One who cares for me more than any mortal will ever be able to. The One who gives me peace and rest in the midst of turbulence. The One who will always be there eventhough I make excuses not to spend time with Him. Most of all, the One who knows what is BEST for me.

Free and easy

The past few weeks have indeed been free and easy at work. I can take hours to finish up something, and nothing seems to be coming in. Things are either not moving, or not coming in at all. Sigh....

I should be happy that I've got all this time to do anything. Problem is, I can't do just 'anything'. It has to be work related. If I have nothing much to do, I am supposed to be looking into old files to see if things are alright. Unfortunately, that makes me sleepy, so I really can't do too much of that. This is coming from someone who was rebuked because she was reading a book at work, only because she hasn't much to do.

Isn't it sad that our work culture is so 'straightforward and inflexible'? I mean, what is wrong with reading something if it is indeed something beneficial. It's different if one was reading some crappy magazine or even the newspaper. But no...... you HAVE to do work related things, even if it means having to look into files that are like 20 years ago. Sigh......

So, I have resorted to blogging which appears to everyone that I'm busy drafting something on the computer. Well, we have to do what we have to do, like it or not.

I got a call from a really good friend today, so I'm really quite pleased. I've known him for at least 8 years. We never really talk all the time - it's more like we talk once or three times a year. But every single time, it's as if we are able to continue as if we just had a conversation yesterday. That's really priceless. That's what's important to me. My main prayer and concern for this friend is that he will one day come to know the Lord. We'll just have to see what God does.

On the 'getting a car' issue, the time is drawing really near!!! I'll finally be able to save up enough to get a car next month. I can't believe it - it is a big thing to me. It's part of my quest to be independant, which is a really important quest at this point of my life. Thank you Lord for providing for me. I can already imagine what I'll do with the car!! Ah.... the little pleasures of life!

Courteousness, anyone?

If you do not own a car and have to walk around a lot (like I have to) you will notice that many Malaysians do not know the meaning of being courteous. Probably because, convenience for self is far more important to us than courteousness to other people (at least I think so - what else can it be?).

Come on, be honest, how many motorists actually stop at the pedestrian crossing (with no traffic lights) to allow pedestrians to cross? How many times have we tried to get out of the train, only having to struggle through because people thick heads cannot understand that we should let people alight first, then board the train? Is it really so hard?

When I first got back from the UK, these practices really annoyed me. They still do, though. If only we spare some time thinking about it.

Even if you do drive, have you noticed how many motorists cut in and out of lanes without even bothering to indicate? And people wonder how come the accident rates are so high in KL alone. How many motorists actually gesture their appreciation when you let them go before you?

My message to the them out there (should you choose to accept it) is to think about how much simpler life would be if we only spare a minute to think of being courteous. It certain won't kill us to think of other people for a change.

On a much happier note, Sweetie is back from Kuching. Thank God!!! I missed him so much. If you are reading this, Sweetie, don't ever leave for a holiday again without me. It really sucks having to be here having nothing to do while you are somewhere else gallaranting.

More good news :- Contractor proposed to Ms. Do-It-All - finally! Yes, my dear Contractor, we all want THE RING. Complain if you must, but that's real important to us girls. We want a 'replay' of the proposal (the romantically enhanced version)!!!

Don't judge if you didn't really care

I had a discussion with someone regarding how easily we critize things, people and circumstances, when in the first place, we never really cared. This is especially to do with people.

It's really easy to jump into conclusions, like that person should and should not do this and that. It's easy to match the circumstances and come to our own rationalisation. Is he/she not coming to church? Oh, then he/she must be backsliding. Is he/she not attending cell? (Either) He/she has given up 'godly' things for 'worldly' things (or) His/her cell leader/group is not functioning. They should be doing this and that.....

Now imagine for a moment being in the receiving end of all this. Discouraged is tired, he has served much, he has given much. All this time, no one ever asked Discouraged if he was doing fine, if he was getting enough support, how his spiritual life is. So long as Discouraged kept quiet, Discouraged is ok (or so it seems, at least). Discouraged continues to serve faithfully, and gives and gives.

It comes to a point when Discouraged breaks down. Does anyone care? Do I really have to shout my lungs out for love and care? Discouraged tries to console himself - I'm doing this for God. He is my driving force. He will help me. He will see that I'm ok. Discouraged prays and prays. He really doesn't know what else to do, but to just surrender himself and his ministry to God.

But there was still no encouragement. Perhaps God sent some, but he sure didn't see it. It came to the last straw. Discouraged couldn't take it anymore. He prays 'Lord, I need a break. I need rest. Please help them understand'. So he goes and takes a break from his ministry.

This is the time when the people around him (who, undoubtedly, never really cared to ask about him or his ministry - all they knew was he was there and it was all taken care of) started to see that he decided to 'quit'. Why is he quitting? Isn't he doing well? He shouldn't blame anyone for not giving him this and that, he never asked for it. He should pray about it first before making such a drastic move. He should......

Discouraged gets more discouraged, and it will take him a while before he is able to give again. Even so, during this period, people around him say "I think he's strayed. He used to be such a good leader. Maybe his relationship with God is not going too well. Shame."

Suddenly, I find myself agreeing with my discussion partner about not judging if we didn't care in the first place. I'm sure I've done that one time or another-judging people when I didn't really know what was going on. Really damaging stuff. We really need to examine ourselves and our tongues - are we speaking love and encouragement, or are we making ourselves judges on this earth?

This does not concern ministry alone. Even things we do everyday at home and at work. Words and glances we give to our parents, our siblings, our friends and colleagues. Words and glances we receive from them.

I've also been in the receiving end. It hurts really badly, eventhough judgemental words do not come directly from our mouths. Glances alone are enough to bring one's heart crashing down. If only they knew. If only they cared enough to ask. If only they remember that I'm human and have feelings too.

So yeah... unless we cared, take note of what we are going to say. We may hurt the other person without even knowing it. The worst thing is, we may never know the damage we may have caused by saying it.

"Boundaries"

I once told a very good friend that I am a people pleaser (not an out of control one, thankfully). He then gave me a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I've recently started reading it, and it is really good; very informative indeed. It's supposed to help people understand that it is actually biblical to say no and to have our own boundaries.

Well, I'm only at Chapter Two, and this really spoke to me:-

(at page 43) "Our model is God. He does not really 'set limits' on people to 'make them' behave. God sets standards, but He lets people be who they are and then separates Himself from them when they misbehave, saying in effect, "You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot come into My house." Heaven is a place for the repentant, and all are welcome.

But God limits His exposure to evil, unrepentant people, as we should be. Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways (Matt 18:15-17; 1 Cor 5:9-13). We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love." (emphasis added)

I used to feel really guilty for saying no to someone, especially when I thought I am supposed to be a 'good Christian' and help as much as possible. How foolish of me! If doing that is burdensome and leads to resentment, that cannot be what God intended.

On a different thought pattern....

(at page 46) ".... we need to make sure that we are communicating our thoughts to others. Many people think that others should be able to read their minds and know what they want. This leads to frustration. Even Paul says, 'For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him?' (1 Cor 2:11). What a great statement about boundaries! We have our own thoughts, and if we want others to know them, we must tell them".

How true, how true!! ESPECIALLY when it comes to romantic relationships. I must say, I told myself a long time ago that I must tell people what I want and never expect them to play the guessing game. I shall not subject my poor ol' boyfriend to such torture. All that talk about girls saying one thing and meaning another; that won't happen to me.

Easier said than done!! So yes, I do subject my poor ol' boyfriend to such guessing games. Poor baby... ah well, the complicated mind of a woman (sorry sweetie!). But like I always say, I try. Ideally, be honest with each other. Mistakes will happen; that's when we learn from them. And I'm still learning.

Friends for life

When I got ill recently, I realized that I've got friends who really do care and think of me. Some, I don't see very often even. Others whose numbers I don't even bother to save on my phone or write down. It's amazing. It encourages me a great deal, and makes me wanna hit myself for complaining that I'm giving so much and receiving little.

Then there are other people whom I thought my real friends, but I hardly hear a hoot from them. Isn't it strange how relationships go? Just goes to prove that we actually don't know that much (not even if we have a doctorate). Much of life and the way things are are beyond our control, but never beyond God's (THANKFULLY!!!).

I think I'm beginning to be more of a 'solitary' person. Socializing with new people sometimes terrifies me. So, if any of you out there have met me for the first time and really thought I was stuck up or didn't really have a good first impression, have mercy!! It's just me being shy and unwilling to put up that effort to be nice at that time. But I'm nice :) (right????)

Thanks Adeline for the word of encouragement. I know I could count on you. You're a gem.

And now... back to work (sob sob sob...)

So many thoughts, so little time

After much thinking and deliberation, I've decided to create a blog. What with people of ALL ages having these, it's hard not to participate and see what this thing is about. So here I am....... still exploring... still skeptical, but willing to try....

I realize that there are so many things running on my mind, and I've always wanted to write them down, but never always equipt with my journal and perhaps, not finding time to sit down and organize them. So, this could be a solution... we'll see.

This week, I've had a sudden 'miss-attack' (that's what I call them) i.e. missing the time I was in England and was fully independant. Probably also because I fell ill last weekend - I blame it on our weather. Sometimes, I wish I could be in England for a longer time, perhaps work there, until I feel so homesick I won't want to go back. But the thought scares me. I'm pretty sure God wants me back here - He gave me no choice when I had to come back 2 years ago. But still.... the feeling of wanting to break away from life here can be overwhelming.

I finished Elijah House last weekend. It was a great learning experience for me. Gave me much to think about. About how people are, and how sensitive our souls are. How small things affect us so much even when we don't realize it. But even with the knowledge of this, we can't be careful either. We have to live life as God intends, choices, consequences and all. That's the way God moulds our characters to be strong men and women for Him.

Thankfully, work hasn't been too hectic. I am thankful for this job, and there are many reasons for it (which is another long story for another time). So, I have been able to keep in touch with friends I have not contacted in ages. It is nice. How we connect with each other in different ways.

So, nothing really interesting so far. Nothing huge. And that would be all this time around.